Unplugging

I have realized, really over the last few months but especially the last few days that I have a problem. I'm a Facebook addict.  Sometimes I turn my computer on for a completely different purpose, like to print a form I needed for my taxes, and I go on Facebook, stay on for awhile mindlessly looking into people's lives, turn off my computer and then remember that my reason for turning it on in the first place was not to be on Facebook.  This is interfering with other areas of my life.  For example, responsibility as illustrated in the above story.  Also, play time with Baby, keeping my house as clean as it should be (it's not a disaster, just so you know...just not as spotless as it really should be given that I'm here all day), getting dressed before noon...er, two...and exercising. Another example: Baby has been taking his late morning nap for the last 20 minutes or so.  If I had gone on my elliptical right after he fell asleep, I would be about halfway done with my workout.  Instead, I creeped on Facebook for awhile.  Also, and perhaps most seriously, Facebook screws with my self-esteem.  You see, to make a long story short, I don't have the picture perfect life that I thought I would have.  I'm not married. I don't know when I'm going to get married (although lately dates have actually been discussed...babysteps...). I don't work. This is obviously good because having had a stay at home mom myself I understand how beneficial that is for Baby.  However, it's not helping pay for the massive amounts of student loans I incurred getting my Master's.  Also, being continually rejected sight unseen (no interview) is really making me feel like getting my Master's was the biggest mistake I have ever made.  Vicious circle: without Master's, 80% of my student loan debt would not exist, therefore there would be a slight possibility that I could remain a stay at home mom or at least only work part time or at least not be sooooooo freaked out about making enough to pay for both daycare and my education (which, have I mentioned, is not getting me a job and in some cases has made me overqualified and prevented me from getting a job? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)  This does connect to Facebook, I promise.  Being on Facebook, I see that other people who were in the same Master's program as myself are getting jobs. There's the first blow to my self-esteem. Other blows to self-esteem and overall wellbeing caused by Facebook: seeing "perfect" family lives, seeing skinny people, seeing people who magically lose all baby weight the second baby is born, seeing people who look like rockstars in their "holding newborn in the hospital after giving birth without pain meds" pictures, reading about new houses, jobs, wedding plans...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Facebook is driving me batty.  Yet I still go on it ALL. THE. TIME.  I probably will again after I finish this post...ha, okay, hopefully not.

So, yesterday after completely losing my mind to the point that I resorted to retail therapy like I used to do in college (which kind of backfired because trying on clothes is sooooo not pleasant these days) BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK, I decided (while wasting gas driving to the mall and hoping that I wouldn't end up getting mugged in the parking lot because I live in such a high-quality area) that the only solution which is actually immediately "doable" is to take a break from Facebook. I'm not going to just shut down my Facebook account because that would be ridiculous and there are positive aspects to Facebook---mostly seeing pictures of my nephews (to be) who live far away--but I need to be away from it for awhile.  I know that I don't actually have enough self-control to just stay off of it for a month, so my plan is to have R change my password when he wakes up.  Of course, he will have to write this down somewhere so he doesn't forget in a month and then bam nobody can go on Facebook...But that's the plan.  Just not be able to access Facebook for a month.  That way I know there still is the possibility of seeing pictures of  nephews, cousins, friends' babies buuuuuut it won't consume my life and hopefully I can focus on myself, my family, and making sure I'm doing what needs to be done.

And Baby is awake now so again the computer has soaked up my potential workout time. Next possibility: 10 pm or so when he's asleep. (Read: It's just not going to happen today.)

Update

Ha! I bet you thought once my one week trial of being vegan ended that I would just quit this blog! No Siree! After that trying week, I saw things more clearly. I wish that I could post that I've lost a crapload of weight since then, but I really haven't. Well, not really. I did lose 10 pounds, though. However, since it is only two days after Easter feasting and also my dad's birthday which means more feasting, I'm not taking any pictures because I'm sure a little bit of that is back on. Maybe next week once eating has been back to normal for awhile.  Anyway, losing those 10 pounds was accomplished the good old fashioned way: being sure to eat more fruits and veggies and less processed junk (notice I say less and not no...I'm working on that...), being sure to drink lots of water--unbelievable how much of a difference that makes, and exercise. 

I go through love/hate periods with exercise. More on that in a different post.

 Fortunately, at the beginning of March we had some unseasonably warm weather. Unfortunately, that meant that I had to confront the issue that NONE of my summer clothes fit me. You see, all of my summer clothes are size 12, Medium and Large, with just a couple size XL shirts I kept from about 2007 when I was losing weight for the first time (soooo that means beat up and not stylish AT. ALL.) Obviously last summer I didn't buy any new "normal" clothes because I was strutting my stuff in (super cool) maternity clothes.  So even if my stuff did fit me, I probably wouldn't want to wear most of it because it is old and has seen better days. This is how I initially tried to make myself feel better. Didn't work.  Then I did the unthinkable. The thing I swore I wasn't going to do.  I went through all of my clothes.  I put away the things that don't fit but I will want to wear again when the time is right.  I gave away-- and even threw away in some gross cases--the stuff that I don't want to wear again.  Now I have a very sparse closet.  Weather is back to normal, so it's not a daily confrontation anymore, but that is only temorary. Eventually it will be warm again and it will stay for awhile. That's when I'll end up being in trouble if I don't stick with this...

So, during that unseasonably warm time I was WAY more active. Little guy and I went for a walk every single day. Of course, then I remembered that since he was born in July and we had the mildest fall and winter ever, I should have been doing that a long time ago. And that just  led to the self-hating that has become so prevelant in my life lately.  Moving on, I found my old dry erase board from my dorm-dwelling days and used it to make a visual plan that sits within eyesight of my elliptical.  It's really not complicated, just an "I will go on this elliptical every single day" kind of thing. It's amazing how much of a difference that actually makes.