Unplugging

I have realized, really over the last few months but especially the last few days that I have a problem. I'm a Facebook addict.  Sometimes I turn my computer on for a completely different purpose, like to print a form I needed for my taxes, and I go on Facebook, stay on for awhile mindlessly looking into people's lives, turn off my computer and then remember that my reason for turning it on in the first place was not to be on Facebook.  This is interfering with other areas of my life.  For example, responsibility as illustrated in the above story.  Also, play time with Baby, keeping my house as clean as it should be (it's not a disaster, just so you know...just not as spotless as it really should be given that I'm here all day), getting dressed before noon...er, two...and exercising. Another example: Baby has been taking his late morning nap for the last 20 minutes or so.  If I had gone on my elliptical right after he fell asleep, I would be about halfway done with my workout.  Instead, I creeped on Facebook for awhile.  Also, and perhaps most seriously, Facebook screws with my self-esteem.  You see, to make a long story short, I don't have the picture perfect life that I thought I would have.  I'm not married. I don't know when I'm going to get married (although lately dates have actually been discussed...babysteps...). I don't work. This is obviously good because having had a stay at home mom myself I understand how beneficial that is for Baby.  However, it's not helping pay for the massive amounts of student loans I incurred getting my Master's.  Also, being continually rejected sight unseen (no interview) is really making me feel like getting my Master's was the biggest mistake I have ever made.  Vicious circle: without Master's, 80% of my student loan debt would not exist, therefore there would be a slight possibility that I could remain a stay at home mom or at least only work part time or at least not be sooooooo freaked out about making enough to pay for both daycare and my education (which, have I mentioned, is not getting me a job and in some cases has made me overqualified and prevented me from getting a job? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)  This does connect to Facebook, I promise.  Being on Facebook, I see that other people who were in the same Master's program as myself are getting jobs. There's the first blow to my self-esteem. Other blows to self-esteem and overall wellbeing caused by Facebook: seeing "perfect" family lives, seeing skinny people, seeing people who magically lose all baby weight the second baby is born, seeing people who look like rockstars in their "holding newborn in the hospital after giving birth without pain meds" pictures, reading about new houses, jobs, wedding plans...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Facebook is driving me batty.  Yet I still go on it ALL. THE. TIME.  I probably will again after I finish this post...ha, okay, hopefully not.

So, yesterday after completely losing my mind to the point that I resorted to retail therapy like I used to do in college (which kind of backfired because trying on clothes is sooooo not pleasant these days) BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK, I decided (while wasting gas driving to the mall and hoping that I wouldn't end up getting mugged in the parking lot because I live in such a high-quality area) that the only solution which is actually immediately "doable" is to take a break from Facebook. I'm not going to just shut down my Facebook account because that would be ridiculous and there are positive aspects to Facebook---mostly seeing pictures of my nephews (to be) who live far away--but I need to be away from it for awhile.  I know that I don't actually have enough self-control to just stay off of it for a month, so my plan is to have R change my password when he wakes up.  Of course, he will have to write this down somewhere so he doesn't forget in a month and then bam nobody can go on Facebook...But that's the plan.  Just not be able to access Facebook for a month.  That way I know there still is the possibility of seeing pictures of  nephews, cousins, friends' babies buuuuuut it won't consume my life and hopefully I can focus on myself, my family, and making sure I'm doing what needs to be done.

And Baby is awake now so again the computer has soaked up my potential workout time. Next possibility: 10 pm or so when he's asleep. (Read: It's just not going to happen today.)

Update

Ha! I bet you thought once my one week trial of being vegan ended that I would just quit this blog! No Siree! After that trying week, I saw things more clearly. I wish that I could post that I've lost a crapload of weight since then, but I really haven't. Well, not really. I did lose 10 pounds, though. However, since it is only two days after Easter feasting and also my dad's birthday which means more feasting, I'm not taking any pictures because I'm sure a little bit of that is back on. Maybe next week once eating has been back to normal for awhile.  Anyway, losing those 10 pounds was accomplished the good old fashioned way: being sure to eat more fruits and veggies and less processed junk (notice I say less and not no...I'm working on that...), being sure to drink lots of water--unbelievable how much of a difference that makes, and exercise. 

I go through love/hate periods with exercise. More on that in a different post.

 Fortunately, at the beginning of March we had some unseasonably warm weather. Unfortunately, that meant that I had to confront the issue that NONE of my summer clothes fit me. You see, all of my summer clothes are size 12, Medium and Large, with just a couple size XL shirts I kept from about 2007 when I was losing weight for the first time (soooo that means beat up and not stylish AT. ALL.) Obviously last summer I didn't buy any new "normal" clothes because I was strutting my stuff in (super cool) maternity clothes.  So even if my stuff did fit me, I probably wouldn't want to wear most of it because it is old and has seen better days. This is how I initially tried to make myself feel better. Didn't work.  Then I did the unthinkable. The thing I swore I wasn't going to do.  I went through all of my clothes.  I put away the things that don't fit but I will want to wear again when the time is right.  I gave away-- and even threw away in some gross cases--the stuff that I don't want to wear again.  Now I have a very sparse closet.  Weather is back to normal, so it's not a daily confrontation anymore, but that is only temorary. Eventually it will be warm again and it will stay for awhile. That's when I'll end up being in trouble if I don't stick with this...

So, during that unseasonably warm time I was WAY more active. Little guy and I went for a walk every single day. Of course, then I remembered that since he was born in July and we had the mildest fall and winter ever, I should have been doing that a long time ago. And that just  led to the self-hating that has become so prevelant in my life lately.  Moving on, I found my old dry erase board from my dorm-dwelling days and used it to make a visual plan that sits within eyesight of my elliptical.  It's really not complicated, just an "I will go on this elliptical every single day" kind of thing. It's amazing how much of a difference that actually makes.

Onward

Last week was really hard.  I did actually lose 4 pounds. However, that way of eating was extremely difficult.  There are many reasons for it being difficult.  It was difficult for us financially because buying extreme amounts of organic produce as well as things like cashews, walnuts, and pomegranite juice is majorly expensive. It was difficult for me because it was an insanely huge amount of food to eat, yet everything tasted the same. It was difficult to do as the mother of an infant because...well, it took a long time to make most things and produced a ton of dishes. Finally, it was difficult for both Ray and I because the cravings and the insane headaches made me really really moody.  So, later last week...probably about Thursday, I decided to reevaluate and see what it was that was truly making me miserable.  I also decided to track what I was eating in Weight Watchers just to see what it would come out to from a points perspective (since I have so much experience with that...) I was surprised.  I honestly did think that eating mostly vegetables would be basically no points, but surprisingly enough it did actually stack up.  Then I thought about how things would compare if I added some lean meat occassionally. So, I decided to modify the plan a little bit.  There were things that I liked.  I liked eating more fruits and vegetables.  It is something that I used to do, but I had fallen far far away from it and this was an extreme reminder.  It also reminded me about the importance of staying well hydrate and it reminded me about balance and moderation, which is kind of strange because I felt like it was not at all balanced and portions were insanely huge.  So, bottom line is no more Eat to Live for me.  At least not really.  I think it was something that was necessary for me to experience.  It was exactly the "rude awakening" that I needed. It was extreme, and by trying to figure out how to moderate it, I figured out that the way I lost weight in the first place is the weigh (hahaha) to go.  It works out the best for me. I don't feel deprived, and I still see results.  After fully reviewing and reevaluating Weight Watchers, I see that it can still work for me if I actually try, which I need to admit I had not really been doing since I rejoined post-baby.  I did learn some things from Eat to Live, and there are some things that I will be taking with me.  One big one is limiting dairy.  I discovered that I feel sooooo much better when I drink soy milk, don't eat a lot of cheese, and just generally limit my dairy intake.  I don't know how to describe it, but I feel lighter and it's much better from a digestive staindpoint. Enough of that. I also am taking with me the importance of nutrient density, eating enough greens, a new way to make smoothies without yogurt or at least without so much yogurt, eating a salad with lunch and dinner, fruit at breakfast...and some cool vegan recipes for Meatless Mondays.  Sooooo much happier.

Liquid Waste

This morning, after sweet darling baby boy let me sleep in, I made a smoothie. This is normal, I make smoothies all the time. However, this was my first time making one that did not involve a bunch of yogurt.  Followed the recipe exactly...blueberries, banana, soy milk, pom juice, spinach, flaxseed. Blended it all together...had to stop a few times to make sure all the spinach was getting in...It looked great as I was blending it but then I poured it into my glass and..."OMG it is liquid sh**!"  This thought may have had some help from well...The Help...which I finally watched yesterday. There is a scene that involves one of the most awful characters eating a pie that contains her former help's "waste" and I definitely had flashbacks to that. Barely got this down. It did actually taste good but oh my...the color...

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeese!

So, day 2.  Not quite as easy.  I made this "Quick Banana Breakfast to Go" this morning. It was good, but holy crap it was so sweet! Never, even when I ate weekly pieces of sugar-laden vanilla cake with big thick layers of frosting, have I found something so crazy sweet. I got about halfway through and I could barely take it anymore. Here are the ingredients: blueberries, bananas, rolled oats, pomegranite juice, walnuts, sunflower seeds, and currants.  In looking at it, I think it's the pom juice that made it so crazy sweet.  Maybe I'll just water it down next time. Regardless, after I ate it I got the same yucky going to throw up any second feeling I used to have the first trimester of pregnancy. Great.  Then a couple hours later I had the most ridiculous craving for cheese.  I seriously could think of nothing else.  Might be because of the huge block of cheddar cheese that I bought for Ray yesterday...regardless it was hard morning.

Then lunch did make things a little better. I had a portobello-roasted red pepper pita. Something I honestly would have eaten before trying out this vegan thing. It was delicious. Definitely going to be a favorite.  I also looked more closely at the recipes in the book and I found some that aren't quite as shockingly intense.  I'm going to stick with the intense ones for the rest of the week because I already have the ingredients, but I think next week I'm going to incorporate some of the less intense ones too. 

Baby is awake. More later...

And I'm off!

Okay, like I mentioned before I have decided to embark on a huge lifestyle change and become vegan...at least for awhile...based on the Eat to Live book.  After I wrote my last post, I ordered the book and waited sooooo eagerly for it to come. When I say "eagerly" I mean I checked the mail about 500 times a day to make sure that the second it came, even if by UPS or FedEx, I would know.  It took a little while, but it did finally come and I spared no time in ripping that thing out of the cute little Amazon box (I like the smiley face. I feel like it makes getting a package even more exciting.) and starting to read it.  Now, reading a book is quite challenging with a nearly 7 month old who has started rolling all over and is seconds away from crawling, but I did read it. It all made sense.  It also made me feel incredibly guilty and frankly disgusted with myself for what I have done to my body.  I couldn't wait to start, and I thought about going straight to the sample menu/recipe section and never reading the justification behind it all, but I stuck it out. I decided this week would be the week it starts.  I need to come clean and admit that knowing this week is the week for starting the strict Six Week Challenge, which basically involves becoming an incredibly strict vegan, I did eat like complete crap last week.  Especially yesterday--a cheesesteak, a sub loaded with mayo, a pecan pie tart...oh baby baby. Today I started.

I just need to start out by saying that I have never, even when I considered myself healthy and skinny by my standards, have had so much produce in my cart at one time. Crazy. I felt pretty proud of myself.  So, here's how "day 1a" went.

I am calling this "Day 1 a" because I wasn't completely vegan today. I'm easing into it.

I have never actually done this before, and after I lost so much weight on Weight Watchers I regreted it, but I took a picture of myself on day 1 for comparrison.  I have no idea why I'm posting this online for the whole world to see, but I'm a visual person.  So, here we go. Here is what I look like today:

I have no idea how to flip this around. Sorry! Look at the belly...

Ummm, yeah. Thrilled out of my mind by how awesome I look. Not really. Anyway, while I'm not happy to look at that and I'm even less happy to admit that I've really let myself go (already at 25...) it had to be done.  Anyway, I plan on doing this often to document my progress.  Also important to note:
Today's weight: 195 (Thanks, week of crap eating!)
Today's size: 16/XL

So, after drinking one of the two premade frappucinnos that I have left and do not want to waste--which I'm aware is a dairy product and that's why I say I'm easing into this over the next couple days--I planned out a menu and a grocery list. Then armed with my list and a ton of motivation which has honestly been quite lacking lately, I went to Whole Foods and loaded up on some great organic produce (organic is also extremely important to me and has been for years) That was expensive.  Not that it was more than I thought it would be, but still...lots of money, however it did also involve high ticket items that I won't have to buy again for awhile--cashews, walnuts, flaxseed, good balsalmic vinegar, good Tamari soy sauce, a nice premade dressing....Anyway, I digress. Here is a picture of my fridge loaded and ready to go with more produce than it has ever seen:

And  here are some of the more high ticket items on my table:

This morning I had nothing but an orange for breakfast because it was the only non-spoiled piece of fruit I had in my house.  For lunch, I met my parents out and I had a veggie burger. For dinner I attempted to make some Cauliflower soup. Here are some pics of it:

Tons of veggies ready to go!

Get in my belly!

 Overall, I think it was a pretty good day.  I think this way of eating will definitely take some getting used to, but I do believe that I will be successful.

Introduction

The purpose of this blog is twofold: First, it is supposed to keep me accountable for what I'm doing in order to get rid of this crazy amount of weight I gained from being pregnant and being a new mom.  Second, it is supposed to keep me from going nuts. I always feel like I have something I would like to say about what I'm doing and/or how I'm feeling, but I never really do it. So this is it.  I feel like there should be some background information about me from a weight loss perspective first.

First off, I was never skinny.  There is not a time in my life when I don't remember weight being somewhat of an issue.  In elementary school, I was the smart, quiet, fat kid that was always picked last for anything even remotely athletic. I clearly remember one time in about first grade my class was picking teams for kickball. I was the last one, and the captain of the team that I was going to be on actually looked at me and groaned.  So, I got this idea from experiences like that and from teasing and name-calling that I was just fat, that is not good, and it would never change.  This continued in high school.  Not as much with the teasing, name-calling, and bullying, but the idea that I was bigger than everyone else, that being bigger was bad, and that I wasn't going to change was further cemented.  In high school I did begin to think that it would be possible to change.  Of course, being in high school my solution involved things like Slim Fast, which never worked.

I had a goal to lose weight in college.  However, the first two years I was pretty miserable. I had a horrible roommate, I questioned my choice of schools, I severely questioned my choice of majors, and I was just plain homesick.  Being so miserable led to...you guessed it....overeating galore! Packed on a ton of weight in the first two years.  Here is what I looked like at the end of my sophomore year of college:

At a Mardi Gras party, hence the crazy outfit...but seriously look at the chins!

 

 

 

 

 

By the end of my sophomore year I did start feeling quite a bit better about my choice of school and was considerably less homesick. I even worked at the college over the summer, which made all the difference in the world as far as my connection with the school was concerned.  Moving on...In the summer of 2007 I started Weight Watchers.  It was fantastic. I lost weight right away, made some significant lifestyle changes over an approximately two year period, and lost over 60 pounds.  My entire outlook on life changed. For the first time, I like clothes shopping. I actually felt confident about myself. Things were really looking up.  Here is what I looked like shortly after my college graduation:

Side note...this was at an outdoor Coldplay concert. In my top ten list of life experiences.

I moved to my dream city and started graduate school in the summer of 2009. Like I said, I was on top of the world at that point in time. I was the thinnest I had ever been, I was working out every day, I felt generally healthy and optimistic, I was proud of having graduated college and being in graduate school, I lived where I always wanted to live, and I had a boyfriend who I was completely crazy about.  So, I was in grad school, everything was going well, and my relationship with my boyfriend got stronger and stronger. Still really happy...

My second year of grad school was far less happy. I couldn't afford to take summer classes, so I overscheduled myself at the time I was also completing my required internship experience--basically an unpaid part time job added to my paid part time job plus 3 extra classes when I was only supposed to be taking two. Stress galore. There were some family issues, I was unhappy with my internship experience, and then in November of 2010 the best thing that has ever happened to me occurred: I got pregnant.

I'm not going to go into too much detail about pregnancy because this is long enough already and it's really not the point of this blog. However, there are some important things to know about it:
* I intended on having a healthy pregnancy and I did. I was very careful about what I ate and rarely indulged crazy unhealthy cravings until the very end...then the healthy eating aspect kind of flew out the window.
* I quit exercising because I was afraid from some spotting I had at the beginning. The doctor assured me this was not a problem multiple times and encouraged getting exercise, but other than doing alot of walking just going about my daily activities at the time, I didn't get much exercise. I sincerely regret this and I will obviously do things differently in any subsequent pregnancies.
* Despite any efforts to watch what I was eating, I still gained about 40 pounds during my pregnancy. I swear most of it came in the last couple months once I was out of school and had more freetime to eat bad things, but I digress.
I had a doctor's appointment the day before my son was born. At that appointment I weighed a whopping 215 pounds.  That's nearly what I weighed when I started Weight Watchers back in 2007. It was then that I realized getting my prebaby body back was going to be tough. However, I was fully confident that I would be able to lose weight relatively painlessly since I had done it before.  Here's what I looked like at the end of my pregnancy:

When I say the end I mean the end...this was 4 hours before my son was born.

I have to say, other than the number on the scale I didn't feel too bad about my body at the end of pregnancy. I wouldn't say I felt attractive, but I didn't feel bad.  I lost 25 pounds in the first 4 days after my son was born. However, nearly 9 of that was him, then there was the placenta...I lost 15 pounds right away and then 10 pounds in the following 3ish days--I was breastfeeding (not very well, though) and really not eating very much--not to lose weight, but because eating at all made me sick the first 2 days after his birth, and once I was home I just didn't want to/didn't have time to eat. Again, I would not recommend this and will do things differently next time.

Making a long story short, breastfeeding didn't work for me. When my son was a week old I switched to formula.  I know this sounds bad, but I was depending on breastfeeding to help me lose baby weight. This had been my plan all along--obviously along with healthy eating and eventually exercise, but I was excited about the boost in weight loss most people get from breastfeeding.  Formula feeding was definitely a good decision, it was what needed to be done because son was not getting enough to eat and I was losing my mind. I sincerely wish I could have breastfed not just for my own benefits but for the benefits for my son, and again I think the next time I'll actually try things like pumping and nipple shields, but I'm happy to have a very healthy, very happy little boy right now regardless of how I fed him...Bottom line: Baby weight weightloss just stopped after that initial 25 pounds and I've been stuck at the same weight for 6 months.  Not okay.

In November, I rejoined Weight Watchers. I expected it would go just as well as it did the first time, if not better because I already knew what to expect.  Not true.  It's not working at all this time.  The first time, I actually had the opportunity to track food right away, to plan things, to spend hours perusing recipes and articles on the Weight Watchers website. Things are different now. I don't sit in front of a computer all day so tracking is all at one time, if it occurs at all.  I'm surprisingly not as motivated with it this time. Haven't quite figured that out yet...I'm really unhappy with my appearance yet still unmotivated with Weight Watchers.  Also, I'm going to be honest here. I don't really like the "new" Weight Watchers.  I feel like it discourages healthy balanced eating by still focusing mainly on grams of fat versus overall nutritional value.  This, of course, is the exact opposite of what the website says.  Regardless, I feel that some healthy foods (such as skim milk) have overly high points values, thereby discouraging people from eating them like they should.  I also don't like the focus on Jennifer Hudson.  It's great that she did so well, but I don't care what recipes were her favorite or what her strategies were.  This is about my life, not hers.  Okay, rant over. Regardless, for whatever reason Weight Watchers is not working as well this time. Frankly, it's not working at all. I don't see this getting any better. I need a bigger change.  I ordered the Eat to Live book today. I have heard it is a fantastic program.  I like the focus on a vegetable-based diet incorporating whole foods.  I can't wait to read the book and start the program. In the meantime, I have some things I need to address. Those will be the subjects of upcoming posts.